la renarde’s blog

What decision changed the course of your life? 
Submitted by Ally.

What decision hasn't changed the course of my life? Aren't all decisions (including what I ate for breakfast to decisions to leave the country) some sort of course of life modifier? So ALL DECISIONS changed my life.

Or maybe my life was predetermined and so none of my decisions have changed the course of my life. Plus, how am I supposed to even know what "course" my life was going to take, or how it has changed by the decisions I've made? I hate stupid fucking questions like this, these are the people who write essay questions for standardized tests, I'm sure of it.

I have a roommate here in Montreal who doesn't really understand technology, or concepts like billing and customer service. Things of the working world. I can just tell that it just doesn't click in her artist's brain. I guess that's ok, that she wasn't made to function in the work-a-day world, that it's like another language to some artist types and that's why they're so great at what they do. But then I have an experience like today where she's yelling at some customer service guy on the phone because she "doesn't understand your billing service" and she doesn't care to. She doesn't understand the letters coming to her in the mail, she's yelling at some poor customer service person who probably doesn't really understand it either, and she just wants to cancel whatever service she's receiving, which I hope is not the phone line.

Now, don't get me wrong, that shit drives me crazy too sometimes. Of course it sucks having to deal with customer service, but do we really need to lose our tempers here? Do we need to raise our voices and threaten action and take down customer service numbers so we can speak with managers in case we get transfered and cut off? Maybe I'm just jealous that she gives in to the angry rage-full outbursts I would love to indulge in whilst on the phone with customer service, but maybe I think it's all just part of her inability to deal with the technical world, and ergo not fair that she should take this out on someone who is making about $10 an hour, I assume.

Keep in mind, this roommate of mine is someone who spent 3 hours on the phone setting up the wireless internet. Three HOURS! I'm not saying it's particularly easy to set up the whole wireless internet thing, but I think she's got some communication issues that interfere with the productive sharing of information.

11 more days until I'm in my own place...!

So I just got to Montreal on Saturday after a summer in Quebec City where I spent all my money. And now I'm bored. I know there's a great city out there, outside my window, to be discovered....once my loan comes through. I have to wait a WEEK before I can do any shopping for my new apartment, before I can get some flea-bag mattress off of craigslist, before I can buy a goddamn t-shirt! I have money for food, don't worry dear readers about my empty stomach, but life can be so very boring when

a. you're new to a town and don't know anyone except your temporary roommate who may or may not like you.
b. you are broke.
c. you are waiting for your study abroad program to start.

I mean, if I was dealing with any one of those problems on their own, I could find a way to stay amused. I guess I'm mostly wishing I had some people with whom I could hang out, money problems be damned! But to just sort of putz around Montreal on my own without anyone to talk to gets kind of old after a couple days.

By the way, is anyone else sort of taken aback by the foxy pictures of Ira freaking Glass all over Vox this week? He's such a super-nerd, but he looks like he's about the ravish the shit out of me.

Sometimes life seems really crappy. And it is. But then this happens.

Adults are so SQUARE! And I'm so glad to see that I'm still not one of them yet...

For the past 3 years it has been my bag to go to Coachella. Ex-boyfriend #2 got me hooked, perhaps the better of things he tried to get me hooked on, and so I go. It's great fun, it's fun to discover new bands, it's great to see those I already love and be surprised by others I underestimated. And I will never forget the Bright Eyes performance (2004), Arcade Fire (2005) or Daft Punk (2006) even if I live to see 100. But will I make that trip again?

NOT THIS YEAR PEOPLE!

This is not because I'm almost 30 and think I should be doing better things with my time and money then camping with a bunch of 20-23 year olds. Nor is it my aversion to driving through the L.A. area. And it's not even the fact that I would have to camp for 3 days straight and use the equivalent of easy-bake port-o-potties which sit all day in the desert sun for the long weekend. Let me enumerate the reasons I won't be going this year:

Top 10 Reasons why I'm not going to Coachella this year

1. Red Hot FUCKING Chili Peppers. What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK? Is this 1997? 1994? 1992?! If so, let's get Kurt Cobain and Nirvana up there instead of these old geezers. Why don't we just call it quits and get fucking AEROSMITH to close out the show? I mean, Alice 97.3 plays RHCP, so why are they headlining Coachella? It's disgraceful, this is supposed to be an INDY concert! All they do is churn out song after song about California, L.A., and back to California in general, again. They're practically the Beach Boys but brunette. And their new album is super boring and at best an attempted rip-off of Hendrix guitar riffs. This is reason enough not to go, however I'm a weak one and might have been pursuaded had it not been for reasons 2-10...

2. Rage Against the Machine. See rant #1 about 1997. I mean, seriously. They're not relevant anymore!

3. $250 to see these assholes play? Je pense pas!

4. Air, the Rapture, !!!, etc...sure they were great when I saw them the first time around at Coachella in 2004.

5. While I would love to see Arcade Fire again, I can tell you that unless they drag me onstage to sing with them, it won't compare to the first time I saw them at Coachella. I'll just catch them on their way through California. Or in Montreal next fall.

6. Nickel Creek? That sounds too much like Nickelback. So NO.

7. Who the hell are all these other bands? I know it's a showcase for little bands to get popular, but with 3 days I'm guessing the "filter" on who plays isn't going to weed out all the crap. However, it would be nice to see Lily Allen, Jose Gonzalez and the Avett Brothers (again). But not $250 worth of nice.

8. I don't care who you think you are Goldenvoice, you do NOT put Willie Nelson as a third row headliner. He should definitely be more important than Happy Mondays. Who the fuck are they?

9. Ozomatli? Why don't we just invite Maroon 5?

10. I got papers to write.

So take a look at this picture of the wall paper in my bedroom. Look closely. Do you see what I see?

Kinky wallpaper

That's right, my wallpaper is covered in dicks and boobs. DICKS AND BOOBS! WTF? Ok, maybe the boobs are kind of a stretch because I don't really understand how that's a "position." I don't think that position itself would merit position-inspired tribute-wallpaper (say, like being on top might or something), but maybe in 3D it would make more sense and the Victorians just didn't have that sort of technology at the time. But despite the ambiguous boobs, those are definitely peniiii. I don't even think they're trying to hide it, it's just a pattern composed of sexy bits to sleep and live by. [insert joke here about how it would be nice if this penis riddled wallpaper had some sort of actual power to draw a real one to my room. Feel momentarily disgusted about seeing men as just a body part all for the sake of a crappy joke. Shrug it off, human nature, etc. Return to mesmerized staring at wall paper.]

Wednesday will be my first teaching experience. Ok, I used to teach swim lessons back when I was a golden sun goddess aka lifeguard, but given that I have to use my brain rather than strut around in my swimsuit, I don't know how successful I'll be. I'm sure it'll be uneventful - dare I say boring - but I am still pretty freaked out. I'm worried about the practical things: will they be able to hear me, will I speed through it in 15 min, will my voice shake the whole time? But I also want it to be interesting and informative, and given that I have to talk about myths I barely know myself, I almost feel like it's the blind leading the blind. Oh well, maybe I'll wake up with an Irish coffee and have a super-relaxed experience.

So if you're a teacher or have any teaching advice, leave me some comments! I need the support.

So today I officially marked 5 years with my company. The anniversary was about a month ago, but today was when I got my gift, company pin and fat check. I had forgotten about the check so it was an awesome surprise considering the loan is pretty much spent and it's only November 1.

It's weird to hit 5 years at the firm and I have some mixed feelings. I am generally morally opposed to most of the litigation they do, they defend big business, tobacco companies, stuff like that, so I've always been conflicted about my employment there. But at the same time and on a personal level, I can't believe I actually stayed somewere for 5 years and how much I accomplished and grew. Some of those years I was actually important to the function of the business. Not indesposible, but important. And to think about who I was 5 years ago when I moved out here all bright eyed and bushy tailed. To think about everything that has happened between now and then. 5 years is a long time when you're in your twenties.

So yeah, I guess I've hit a milestone or personal achievement or something. And now I have binoculars with which to spy on my neighbors. Sweet.

Preggers

Hey people, can I tell you how fascinated I am by this picture of myself? I think it's utterly hilarious! Me and Sarahlize, with child and all, so very smug with our baloon-babies. Don't you wish you were fake pregnant too? Sarahlize looks like the pacified virgin mary or something. And I look like fucking Cindy Masters from Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion...Is it that I want to be pregnant? Well, I've always wanted to be pregnant, let's be honest. I've always wanted some giant, drumlike belly that I could display proudly, preferably in a bikini and gross out all the teen-age lifeguards. I can't wait to be all huge, justifiably huge, not just fat. I want to yell at someone all self-righteously on the bus for not giving me their seat when "I'm obviously 6 months PREGNANT over here! Get up asshole!" I want to eat without giving a damn about the pounds I should be putting on. I can't wait!

However, what I'm not looking forward to is everything from the moment the water breaks on. The water breaking part might be cool, especially if it happens somewhere like on the bus or at the DMV or somewhere that someone you don't like will have to clean it up. Ha ha, jokes on you and a little placenta juice for you too! Thanks for making me late to work all those times!

But as for the baby, the labor, oh hecks no. Maybe in another 10 years or something. Right now the white bitch is all I can handle for the time being, and I know the real-life labor won't go nearly as smoothly as when the balloon just fell out of my shirt. It's a boy by the way. You know how I know? The balloon was blue. And it had a penis.

You Look So Rich

Maybe it's the Wal-phed talking, but the real reason I am still working at this law firm is for the views. And today is particularly worthwhile. Our office is on the 26th floor of the BofA building in SF, and we have this generally unobstructed view of the bay to the north and the city to the west. And tonight, the sun is bright, flaming orange as it sets over the west end of town, and the bay has been so deep blue, I can't believe how beautiful the bay area is when you're up above it all. I can see Mt. Tam so clearly today, a sight which usually makes me sad with memories from a relationship long gone, but today the mountain just seems serene and steady. The usual embodiment of a past i can't change - both sad and comforting I guess. I can see the houses in Belvedere and the rolling hills of Lucas land. It's just an unbelieveable sight when it's a clear evening at the end of October. I know wherever I move for grad school might make me happier in some ways, but none will be as naturally beautiful as this, I am sure of that.